My first semester experience? Well, let see, I miss my high school years tbh. In high school, I get the chance to see my bestfriends everyday and there is nothing much to worry back then. And now I missed them terribly. I have been friends with them for more than 5 years and it's pretty difficult for me to social with new people. To feel comfortable with them.
First day of class, I was trying so hard to be friendly but it's so hard for me to do. I'm a private kind of person and for me to trust people is hard. To get know people is hard. To open up with new people is hard. To start over is hard. But, nonetheless my classmate was nice and all but the problem is myself. It's hard for me to believe that I stayed in the city while all of my friends were outside the state.
They said everything is happen for a reason. I'm trying to believe in that. I am trying to make myself happy. To accept the truth that nothing can change the fact that I'm here. Absolute nothing. I know it and I faced it every single day I go to classes. Looking at my classmates joking with one another. I sat there alone playing with my phone and trying so hard to go unnoticed. They trying to talk to me and making plans to go out together. They were so nice but I keep on dismissed and making excuses all the time. I know it might sounds heartless or what but I don't really considered them as a friends. I only considered my roommates as my only friends.
Talk about my roommates. They were the only thing that I considered a blessing as I'm studying here. They were there for me through my ups and downs. They have been there when I cried suddenly because I missed my bestfriend and they totally understand me. They always have a place in my heart along with my bestfriends. I grow fond of them. Especially, Sofiya and Syuhada. I told them everything and they didn't judge me and accept me for who I am. I really missed them. For the next semester, only Sofiya and I shared the same room. I will miss Syu extremely. They were my angels. They keep me going day by day. Telling me that I can do this and don't give up on my studies and keep me off the pressure.
I was blessed to know such a beautiful soul.
Sunday, November 1
Distance is what I want the most.
AMONG MY FRIENDS, THEY ALWAYS KNOW THAT MY DREAM WOULD BE TO STUDY OUTSIDE MY STATE. THE REASON WHY I HAVE BEEN DYING TO STUDY OUTSIDE IS BECAUSE I LOVE AND ENJOY EXPLORING NEW PLACES. I KNOW SOME PEOPLE SAID IT IS A BLESS FOR ME TO STUDY NEAR MY PARENT. TO BE ABLE TO SEE THEM EACH WEEK WHILE MY OTHER FRIENDS NEED TO BOOK A FLIGHT TICKET JUST TO SEE THEIR FAMILY. WHICH IS NOT OFTEN AND THEY ONLY GET TO SEE THEIR FAMILY WHENEVER THEY HAVE A LONG HOLIDAYS OR SEMESTER BREAK.
THEY ALWAYS SAID TO ME THAT I WAS LUCKY THAT MY UNIVERSITY LOCATED AT OUTSKIRT OF THE CITY AND NEAR FROM MY HOME. BUT FOR ME, I DON'T FEEL EXCITED FOR IT AT ALL. IT'S NOT THAT I WANT TO BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THEM BUT THE THING IS I WANT TO DE INDEPENDENT ON MY OWN. BEING STUCK HERE WHILE OTHERS CAN LEARN SO MANY THINGS FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD REALLY SUCKS.
NOW, I JUST HAD MY FIRST SEMESTER AND NOW I LEFT WITH 4 SEMESTER MORE. I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH OFF MY DIPLOMA AND SETTLE FOR MY DEGREE IN SHAH ALAM,
THEY ALWAYS SAID TO ME THAT I WAS LUCKY THAT MY UNIVERSITY LOCATED AT OUTSKIRT OF THE CITY AND NEAR FROM MY HOME. BUT FOR ME, I DON'T FEEL EXCITED FOR IT AT ALL. IT'S NOT THAT I WANT TO BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THEM BUT THE THING IS I WANT TO DE INDEPENDENT ON MY OWN. BEING STUCK HERE WHILE OTHERS CAN LEARN SO MANY THINGS FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD REALLY SUCKS.
NOW, I JUST HAD MY FIRST SEMESTER AND NOW I LEFT WITH 4 SEMESTER MORE. I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH OFF MY DIPLOMA AND SETTLE FOR MY DEGREE IN SHAH ALAM,
Wednesday, October 14
And so, she became the girl who leaves.
So, after a year of silence here I am. 3:30 in the morning, lying on my bed and writing this shit.
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Here it goes, last December, I had a family gathering. Kind of. It's just my cousins from Brunei((which I never know their existence before)) they came here. On 4th December 2014, they had dinner at my house, There were hell lots of people. They came with 4/5 cars if I'm not mistaken. About 30-40 peoples I guess. On that night, there were few boys around my age. One of them is goddamn hot!! Hehehe. I was attracted to him of course. Without I realized, there were this one lad, I might not noticed him but I know his face. So, our parent asked us all the cousin to take a picture together. After talks and picture, they eventually go their way back to their hotel.
On the next day, we had another gathering but this one organized by them. And so we came, and on that night I was so excited cos I want to take a picture with my handsome cousin. I told my cousin to ask him if I can take a picture with him. But then, the one I barely noticed came to me for a picture. It is just so awkward and that moment just passed like that. I get my chance to have a picture with my handsome cousin until I forgot about the first one. I don't really care actually about him at first.
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So after a few days, they went back to Brunei. And I started to follow them on Instagram including the handsome one! But i don"t even know why, I direct message the quiet one not the handsome one. We start talking and even exchange phone number. And starting on that day we texted each other EVERY SINGLE DAY. Without I realized I might slightly have a crush on him. A month or two after that, I found out that he have a girlfriend. I was totally devastated, and it would be a massive lie if I told you that I'm not heartbroken right. I don't know what happen but he started to lost contact with me. He started to reply after a few days and even a week and continued the conversation like it was just yesterday. I was offended of course. I felt like I was being used. and this shit continued until April if I'm not mistaken.
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When he started to ignore me, I know this one guy. He is my friend's bestfriend. It stared in February when my cousin ignored me. We texted each other day and night. He is a sweet guy. And it would be a lie if I'm don't like him. His bestfriend told me that this guy liked me. This thing continued until April. The same period of time my cousin ignore me, he came to my life. But, I feel something was off. I don't quite figured out what but I started to feel something strange. I told him that I will not used my number anymore and I left him just like that. Constantly ignored him. I lied to him. I feel so bad. And that time I reconnected with my cousin again. I continued to text him again. There this one time during my vacation, the guy I left commented my photo and asked for explaination. I IGNORED him. I kept thinking about that. I don't know why I did that. Maybe, I slightly hope that he hate me and forget me. One thing for sure, he came when my cousin left me. When I was lonely and heartbroken. I feel like he was my rebound and my feeling for him wasn't real. I was sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him but it will hurt him much more when I'm with him but I was thinking about someone else right? And so the guilt I felt really make me sad, until today, I still think about that. There this one time in July, he texted me and said he missed me. And I was being a bitch, I reply him with "oh" only. I am truly sorry. After that I kept saying how sorry I was and asked if he could forgive me. Since that day he became so cold. Even when I wished his birthday, I could feel the distance between us. I truly understand why and I deserved that. But the thing is I just cant stop feel guilty. That is what I feel right now.
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Back with my cousin, April 2nd is his birthday. On April we started to contact again. Maybe he was the reason why I left him behind. Cos my cousin came back to me. We texted each other until today and if I'm not mistaken he broke up with his girlfriend last August. I don't know why and I don't asked him about that. We talked about everything and nothing. I know he is the one that always around but he is not the one that will be there. So, this coming December, I will go to Brunei for my other cousin wedding. I don't know what to feel. The guilty I had all this while and a strong feeling that I have for my cousin really fucked me off. Man, I was fucked up. I know I messed thing from the beginning and it seem like nothing I can do to fix it again. "Have you every love somebody but the timing was off" that is what I feel toward the guy I left behind. Maybe I was scared that if I fall for him, he will left me. And so I became the girl who leaves before i'm left.
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
Here it goes, last December, I had a family gathering. Kind of. It's just my cousins from Brunei((which I never know their existence before)) they came here. On 4th December 2014, they had dinner at my house, There were hell lots of people. They came with 4/5 cars if I'm not mistaken. About 30-40 peoples I guess. On that night, there were few boys around my age. One of them is goddamn hot!! Hehehe. I was attracted to him of course. Without I realized, there were this one lad, I might not noticed him but I know his face. So, our parent asked us all the cousin to take a picture together. After talks and picture, they eventually go their way back to their hotel.
On the next day, we had another gathering but this one organized by them. And so we came, and on that night I was so excited cos I want to take a picture with my handsome cousin. I told my cousin to ask him if I can take a picture with him. But then, the one I barely noticed came to me for a picture. It is just so awkward and that moment just passed like that. I get my chance to have a picture with my handsome cousin until I forgot about the first one. I don't really care actually about him at first.
_________________________________________________________________________________
So after a few days, they went back to Brunei. And I started to follow them on Instagram including the handsome one! But i don"t even know why, I direct message the quiet one not the handsome one. We start talking and even exchange phone number. And starting on that day we texted each other EVERY SINGLE DAY. Without I realized I might slightly have a crush on him. A month or two after that, I found out that he have a girlfriend. I was totally devastated, and it would be a massive lie if I told you that I'm not heartbroken right. I don't know what happen but he started to lost contact with me. He started to reply after a few days and even a week and continued the conversation like it was just yesterday. I was offended of course. I felt like I was being used. and this shit continued until April if I'm not mistaken.
_________________________________________________________________________________
When he started to ignore me, I know this one guy. He is my friend's bestfriend. It stared in February when my cousin ignored me. We texted each other day and night. He is a sweet guy. And it would be a lie if I'm don't like him. His bestfriend told me that this guy liked me. This thing continued until April. The same period of time my cousin ignore me, he came to my life. But, I feel something was off. I don't quite figured out what but I started to feel something strange. I told him that I will not used my number anymore and I left him just like that. Constantly ignored him. I lied to him. I feel so bad. And that time I reconnected with my cousin again. I continued to text him again. There this one time during my vacation, the guy I left commented my photo and asked for explaination. I IGNORED him. I kept thinking about that. I don't know why I did that. Maybe, I slightly hope that he hate me and forget me. One thing for sure, he came when my cousin left me. When I was lonely and heartbroken. I feel like he was my rebound and my feeling for him wasn't real. I was sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him but it will hurt him much more when I'm with him but I was thinking about someone else right? And so the guilt I felt really make me sad, until today, I still think about that. There this one time in July, he texted me and said he missed me. And I was being a bitch, I reply him with "oh" only. I am truly sorry. After that I kept saying how sorry I was and asked if he could forgive me. Since that day he became so cold. Even when I wished his birthday, I could feel the distance between us. I truly understand why and I deserved that. But the thing is I just cant stop feel guilty. That is what I feel right now.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Back with my cousin, April 2nd is his birthday. On April we started to contact again. Maybe he was the reason why I left him behind. Cos my cousin came back to me. We texted each other until today and if I'm not mistaken he broke up with his girlfriend last August. I don't know why and I don't asked him about that. We talked about everything and nothing. I know he is the one that always around but he is not the one that will be there. So, this coming December, I will go to Brunei for my other cousin wedding. I don't know what to feel. The guilty I had all this while and a strong feeling that I have for my cousin really fucked me off. Man, I was fucked up. I know I messed thing from the beginning and it seem like nothing I can do to fix it again. "Have you every love somebody but the timing was off" that is what I feel toward the guy I left behind. Maybe I was scared that if I fall for him, he will left me. And so I became the girl who leaves before i'm left.
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“You get bored easily”, that’s what they say. To them, I move on too easily, I put the phone down too fast, ignored the texts, reject the calls and move on to the next guy so simply. To them, I treat guys like they are flavour of the week. To them, I am the girl who leaves. But, I was the girl who stayed.
I was the girl who stayed even when things get rough. I was the girl who stayed even when the texts got lesser, the calls short and rough, and the date nights no longer existent. I was the girl who stayed even I was treated badly. I was the girl who stayed even when she knew she had a choice to walk away. But I became the girl who leaves. I became the girl who could care less the hearts she left behind. I became the one guy’s text constantly, trying to make plans, and, I dismiss them, one by one. I became the girl who doesn’t give a second thought to their feelings, rejecting them and leaving them. I became the girl who leaves. I wasn’t always that kind of girl. I used to be the girl who constantly gives second chances even when they don’t deserve it. I used to be the girl who will take the guy back if he would only just apologize. I used to be the girl who let her guard down so easily that just anyone could come in, say a few sweet words and have my heart handed over to them. I used to be that girl. I used to have my heart on my sleeve all the time, putting in so much time and effort into every relationship or almost-relationship even though it was not reciprocated. I constantly held on to faith and hope, trusting that things will somehow work itself out and I will have my happily ever after.
But things don’t always happen that way.
With every heartbreak, I began to realize what I want, and what I deserve. With every piece of my heart taken and thrown away, I began to build a wall around the pieces left to protect myself. Guard myself with walls so high no one can get around it. Locked my heart and throw the keys far away. I began to trust people less and was so sure that everyone who enters my life will eventually leave, so I became the girl who leaves. And so I became the girl who leaves, before I’m left.
But I hope that someday I’ll meet someone who’ll make me stay, this time, with him.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I was the girl who stayed even when things get rough. I was the girl who stayed even when the texts got lesser, the calls short and rough, and the date nights no longer existent. I was the girl who stayed even I was treated badly. I was the girl who stayed even when she knew she had a choice to walk away. But I became the girl who leaves. I became the girl who could care less the hearts she left behind. I became the one guy’s text constantly, trying to make plans, and, I dismiss them, one by one. I became the girl who doesn’t give a second thought to their feelings, rejecting them and leaving them. I became the girl who leaves. I wasn’t always that kind of girl. I used to be the girl who constantly gives second chances even when they don’t deserve it. I used to be the girl who will take the guy back if he would only just apologize. I used to be the girl who let her guard down so easily that just anyone could come in, say a few sweet words and have my heart handed over to them. I used to be that girl. I used to have my heart on my sleeve all the time, putting in so much time and effort into every relationship or almost-relationship even though it was not reciprocated. I constantly held on to faith and hope, trusting that things will somehow work itself out and I will have my happily ever after.
But things don’t always happen that way.
With every heartbreak, I began to realize what I want, and what I deserve. With every piece of my heart taken and thrown away, I began to build a wall around the pieces left to protect myself. Guard myself with walls so high no one can get around it. Locked my heart and throw the keys far away. I began to trust people less and was so sure that everyone who enters my life will eventually leave, so I became the girl who leaves. And so I became the girl who leaves, before I’m left.
But I hope that someday I’ll meet someone who’ll make me stay, this time, with him.
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