My first semester.

My first semester experience? Well, let see, I miss my high school years tbh. In high school, I get the chance to see my bestfriends everyday and there is nothing much to worry back then. And now I missed them terribly. I have been friends with them for more than 5 years and it's pretty difficult for me to social with new people. To feel comfortable with them.

First day of class, I was trying so hard to be friendly but it's so hard for me to do. I'm a private kind of person and for me to trust people is hard. To get know people is hard. To open up with new people is hard. To start over is hard. But, nonetheless my classmate was nice and all but the problem is myself. It's hard for me to believe that I stayed in the city while all of my friends were outside the state.

They said everything is happen for a reason. I'm trying to believe in that. I am trying to make myself happy. To accept the truth that nothing can change the fact that I'm here. Absolute nothing. I know it and I faced it every single day I go to classes. Looking at my classmates joking with one another. I sat there alone playing with my phone and trying so hard to go unnoticed. They trying to talk to me and making plans to go out together. They were so nice but I keep on dismissed and making excuses all the time. I know it might sounds heartless or what but I don't really considered them as a friends. I only considered  my roommates as my only friends.

Talk about my roommates. They were the only thing that I considered a blessing as I'm studying here. They were there for me through my ups and downs. They have been there when I cried suddenly because I missed my bestfriend and they totally understand me. They always have a place in my heart along with my bestfriends. I grow fond of them. Especially, Sofiya and Syuhada. I told them everything and they didn't judge me and accept me for who I am. I really missed them. For the next semester, only Sofiya and I shared the same room. I will miss Syu extremely. They were my angels. They keep me going day by day. Telling me that I can do this and don't give up on my studies and keep me off the pressure.

I was blessed to know such a beautiful soul.

Distance is what I want the most.

AMONG MY FRIENDS, THEY ALWAYS KNOW THAT MY DREAM WOULD BE TO STUDY OUTSIDE MY STATE. THE REASON WHY I HAVE BEEN DYING TO STUDY OUTSIDE IS BECAUSE I LOVE AND ENJOY EXPLORING NEW PLACES. I KNOW SOME PEOPLE SAID IT IS A BLESS FOR ME TO STUDY NEAR MY PARENT. TO BE ABLE TO SEE THEM EACH WEEK WHILE MY OTHER FRIENDS NEED TO BOOK A FLIGHT TICKET JUST TO SEE THEIR FAMILY. WHICH IS NOT OFTEN AND THEY ONLY GET TO SEE THEIR FAMILY WHENEVER THEY HAVE A LONG HOLIDAYS OR SEMESTER BREAK.

THEY ALWAYS SAID TO ME THAT I WAS LUCKY THAT MY UNIVERSITY LOCATED AT OUTSKIRT OF THE CITY AND NEAR FROM MY HOME. BUT FOR ME, I DON'T FEEL EXCITED FOR IT AT ALL. IT'S NOT THAT I WANT TO BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THEM BUT THE THING IS I WANT TO DE INDEPENDENT ON MY OWN. BEING STUCK HERE WHILE OTHERS CAN LEARN SO MANY THINGS FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD REALLY SUCKS.

NOW, I JUST HAD MY FIRST SEMESTER AND NOW I LEFT WITH 4 SEMESTER MORE. I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH OFF MY DIPLOMA AND SETTLE FOR MY DEGREE IN SHAH ALAM,

And so, she became the girl who leaves.

So, after a year of silence here I am. 3:30 in the morning, lying on my bed and writing this shit.
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Here it goes, last December, I had a family gathering. Kind of. It's just my cousins from Brunei((which I never know their existence before)) they came here. On 4th December 2014, they had dinner at my house, There were hell lots of people. They came with 4/5 cars if I'm not mistaken. About 30-40 peoples I guess. On that night, there were few boys around my age. One of them is goddamn hot!! Hehehe. I was attracted to him of course. Without I realized, there were this one lad, I might not noticed him but I know his face. So, our parent asked us all the cousin to take a picture together. After talks and picture, they eventually go their way back to their hotel.

On the next day, we had another gathering but this one organized by them. And so we came, and on that night I was so excited cos I want to take a picture with  my handsome cousin. I told my cousin to ask him if I can take a picture with him. But then, the one I  barely noticed came to me for a picture. It is just so awkward and that moment just passed like that. I get my chance to have a picture with my handsome cousin until I forgot about the first one. I don't really care actually about him at first.
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So after a few days, they went back to Brunei. And I started to follow them on Instagram including the handsome one! But i don"t even know why, I direct message the quiet one not the handsome one. We start talking and even exchange phone number. And starting on that day we texted each other EVERY SINGLE DAY. Without I realized I might slightly have a crush on him. A month or two after that, I found out that he have a girlfriend. I was totally devastated, and it would be a massive lie if I told you that I'm not heartbroken right. I don't know what happen but he started to lost contact with me. He started to reply after a few days and even a week and continued the conversation like it was just yesterday. I was offended of course. I felt like I was being used. and this shit continued until April if I'm not mistaken.

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When he started to ignore me, I know this one guy. He is my friend's bestfriend. It stared in February when my cousin ignored me. We texted each other day and night. He is a sweet guy. And it would be a lie if I'm don't like him. His bestfriend told me that this guy liked me. This thing continued until April. The same period of time my cousin ignore me, he came to my life. But, I feel something was off. I don't quite figured out what but I started to feel something strange. I told him that I will not used my number anymore and I left him just like that. Constantly ignored him. I lied to him. I feel so bad. And that time I reconnected with my cousin again. I continued to text him again. There this one time during my vacation, the guy I left commented my photo and asked for explaination. I IGNORED him. I kept thinking about that. I don't know why I did that. Maybe, I slightly hope that he hate me and forget me. One thing for sure, he came when my cousin left me. When I was lonely and heartbroken. I feel like he was my rebound and my feeling for him wasn't real. I was sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him but it will hurt him much more when I'm with him but I was thinking about someone else right? And so the guilt I felt really make me sad, until today, I still think about that. There this one time in July, he texted me and said he missed me. And I was being a bitch, I reply him with "oh" only. I am truly sorry. After that I kept saying how sorry I was and asked if he could forgive me. Since that day he became so cold. Even when I wished his birthday, I could feel the distance between us. I truly understand why and I deserved that. But the thing is I just cant stop feel guilty. That is what I feel right now.
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Back with my cousin, April 2nd is his birthday. On April we started to contact again. Maybe he was the reason why I left him behind. Cos my cousin came back to me. We texted each other until today and if I'm not mistaken he broke up with his girlfriend last August. I don't know why and I don't asked him about that. We talked about everything and nothing. I know he is the one that always around but he is not the one that will be there. So, this coming December, I will go to Brunei for my other cousin wedding. I don't know what to feel. The guilty I had all this while and a strong feeling that I have for my cousin really fucked me off. Man, I was fucked up. I know I messed thing from the beginning and it seem like nothing I can do to fix it again. "Have you every love somebody but the timing was off" that is what I feel toward the guy I left behind. Maybe I was scared that if I fall for him, he will left me. And so I became the girl who leaves before i'm left.
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“You get bored easily”, that’s what they say. To them, I move on too easily, I put the phone down too fast, ignored the texts, reject the calls and move on to the next guy so simply. To them, I treat guys like they are flavour of the week. To them, I am the girl who leaves. But, I was the girl who stayed.

I was the girl who stayed even when things get rough. I was the girl who stayed even when the texts got lesser, the calls short and rough, and the date nights no longer existent. I was the girl who stayed even I was treated badly. I was the girl who stayed even when she knew she had a choice to walk away. But I became the girl who leaves. I became the girl who could care less the hearts she left behind. I became the one guy’s text constantly, trying to make plans, and, I dismiss them, one by one. I became the girl who doesn’t give a second thought to their feelings, rejecting them and leaving them. I became the girl who leaves. I wasn’t always that kind of girl. I used to be the girl who constantly gives second chances even when they don’t deserve it. I used to be the girl who will take the guy back if he would only just apologize. I used to be the girl who let her guard down so easily that just anyone could come in, say a few sweet words and have my heart handed over to them. I used to be that girl. I used to have my heart on my sleeve all the time, putting in so much time and effort into every relationship or almost-relationship even though it was not reciprocated. I constantly held on to faith and hope, trusting that things will somehow work itself out and I will have my happily ever after.

But things don’t always happen that way.

With every heartbreak, I began to realize what I want, and what I deserve. With every piece of my heart taken and thrown away, I began to build a wall around the pieces left to protect myself. Guard myself with walls so high no one can get around it. Locked my heart and throw the keys far away. I began to trust people less and was so sure that everyone who enters my life will eventually leave, so I became the girl who leaves. And so I became the girl who leaves, before I’m left.

But I hope that someday I’ll meet someone who’ll make me stay, this time, with him.
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DESCRIBE MY SITUATION RIGHT NOW. 

Just a little confession.

Long distance kinda sucks sometime. Well, part of it sweet and another part of it no. Major hell. What are we actually? Friends? Strangers? Or I was just another lucky person to cross your line to give you a lesson to learn for your life? "Stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you" deep down in my heart all I ever wanted is to forget that I know you and hurts me so much to know that I'm missing you everyday. I waited for you everyday. Every single day. I updated everything that happened in my life for you to actually know me more. I hope one fine day when I moved on this phase of life, you will notice whatever happen around you and start to appreciate it more. I have been lonely all this while, but then, you came. I shared you my dreams, my hopes and my life. I will always like you forever and always. Love is just a strong word. In our case, it's quite difficult to tell is it love or just one of the fantasies of mine. I don't know, why don't you tell me. Fatih, know this, I always fancy you in many ways. Your smile is just breathtaking. When you walked around Istanbul and send me pictures of everything you see. That was the happiest moment I had with you. Never thought that you think about me in your daily basis. Well, you really caught me off gaurd that time. I miss you and farewell love. I wish you well.
Love, your little Germany's girl.

Random

Sometimes, I feels like something burning inside of me. Something I don't even know how to explain and my temper keep on rising. I can't sleep at night. Every single time, I tried to sleep I just can't.I can't express my feelings well. I feel so tired holding my anger inside of my burning soul. I need to find peace and choose the right path for my own good. The only thing I can do is write and expressed it with words. I don't even know what it is. Perhaps something like a werewolf when it is a full moon. I'm falling so hard that it is painful. When it hurts I know the feeling are real.

Cut the craps. Okay. Adios amigos.

XOXO, E.

Wounds that never heal.

He came crashing up the stairs right after he received a call from his friend. He took his leather jacket and car keys and drove his car car straight to the nearest hospital. While driving, the words kept on running in his mind and he drove his Lamborghini Veneno as fast as he can. Suddenly, tears come out from his eyes and his heart crash into pieces just like a crystal of mannequin falling every time he remembered what Dean just said. After 15 minutes, he arrived at the hospital and he run as he rushed to get his friend. Daryl and Dean  ran to get him. The word slip through Daryl's mouth made he felt everything was falling at him and he just wished that it is only just a dream. He wished that it is not true at all. "Sorry man, she has died". That words kept on running in his head and his world suddenly stop for a minute. He don't even have a gut to see her dead body. She meant everything to him. She is his world, his daisy, his life and his heart.

                 It has been a week since Ariana died. Now, Nathan all alone in his room. Stuck in his memories land which is full of Ariana. They were a couple for almost 5 years. Ariana died in a terrible acident and now he put a blame on himself. He wished he didn't make the call and cause Ariana to drive in hurry. I'm sorry for the times I left you all alone. I'm sorry for the times I disrespect. I'm sorry for the things that I've done. Sorry for the thing that I did not say. Like how you are the best thing in my world and how I'm so proud to call you my girl. I understand that there are some problems and I am not to blind to know. All the pain you kept inside you, even though you might not show. If I had a chance to apologize for being so wrong. I will be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me, Ariana. Now, Nathan sit at the corner of his room, plucking the Gibson Guitar strings that Ariana gave to him as an anniversary present and produce a sound the described his feeling. He felt lost and all the pain give his heart a wound that never heals. He wished that everyone telling him a lie. Now the old Nathan is dead and gone. Dead and gone.

               Everyone around him kept on saying for him to move on. How in world he can move on when a part of him was Ariana? They said time heals but to him it never does. If heartache  a physical pain he could face it. But it killing him from inside and he can't take it. Every minute pass by and remind him of his mistake that he made. He about to lose his mind. She has been gone for so long. He remembered years ago. Someone told him that he should take caution when it come to love. She was strong and he was not. His illusion, his mistake, his pride, his ego and his selfish way. Cause him to lose everything he got. He tell them he was happy and his heart is broken. All the scars are open. Falling out of love is hard. Falling for betrayal is worse. Broken trust and broken heart. Building faith on love and words, empty promises will wear, he know. And now when it is all done, there is nothing much to say. Let he just cherish and remember every moments that he had with Ariana.

                When our friends talk about her, all it does just tear he down. Cause his heart breaks a little when he heard her name. He was too young and too dumb to realize that he should have bought her flowers and held her hand when he has the chance. He should have give all his hours when he had the chance. Take Ariana to every party because she just love to dance. Do all the thing that he should have done when he was her man. Every time he tried to forget her, he just can't do it. It make him to remember more about her. They are thing that we should remember but we didn't and there are also thing that we should forget but we didn't.
He lost the love that he loved the most. Heart beats fast every time he heard Ariana's name. He have died everyday waiting for her to come back. I will love her for a thousand years and I will love her a thousand more. That is his promise to himself. That is his dream and hope. But everything seems impossible. Impossible.

                  Seems like yesterday when he saw her face. She told him how proud she were but he walked. If only he know that it is the last day he saw her. He would hold her in his arm. He would take the pain away. There's nothing that he wouldn't do just to hear her voices again. Sometimes he called her number but he know she wouldn't be there.He sorry blaming her for everything that he just couldn't do. And he have hurt himself by hurting her. Someday he felt broke inside but he won't admit. Sometime he just wanna hide from this world so wild because he miss her so bad. And it is so hard for him to say goodbye when it come to this. Would someone tell him that he was wrong? Would someone make he understand? There's nothing he wouldn't do to see her again. To have just one more chance. To look into her eyes again. If only he had one more day, he would tell her how much he missed her since she were gone. It's so out of line. To try and turn back time.

                 After 6 month, Ariana's mom came to meet him. Ariana's mom already like his biological mother. She said that she found a letter inside Ariana's wardrobe and the letter are for him. He opened the letter and his heart crash into pieces. He still remembered her handwriting There's no comfort in truth. Pain is all you will get. In the letter, Ariana said if he would live for a hundred years, she just wanna live a hundred minus a year because she just can't live without him. How can I forget you Ariana is you are the best part of me? She told me to move on if she gone. I will try to move on and I will remember you deep inside my heart and I will cherish every moment we had Ariana. Loving you was the most amazing thing that I have done.

                Now, he is back on track. He start to smile more often even though in his eyes we can see there were two pools of lies and covered with the thinnest ice. Sometimes, he had the feelings that no one ever understand him and nothing make sense. He just fake a smile and move on even though every step that he made full of pain. He tried to have a faith in himself that there's someone out there for him. People said that he forget about Ariana too fast. But, no one can feel the pain that he have hold on for so long. He believe that he deserved to be happy as what Ariana want him to. The pain is like a poison to a blossom rose. Falling petals and thorns and he need to endure all the pain all by himself. Don't they ever say he just walked away, he will always remember Ariana at the bottom of his heart. When everyone talked about Ariana, it feels like a wrecking ball and break his heart. Thank you Ariana for letting your guard down and let me see beneath the beautiful creatures named Ariana.

                He feels blessed for knowing such a wonderful girl like her. He lay his love for her and it's all he wanna do. Every time I breathe I feels brand new. You open up my heart. We have been going through ups and downs together. Make through every obstacles together. He will just move on because time will never wait for him.Whether it is the best of times or the worst of time, it is the only time he have and he will not waste it. He will just continue living his life and looking for one who is worth the pain because at one point everyone will feel the pain. It is up to you to find someone who worth the pains.

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XOXO, E.

Solitude - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Laugh, and the world laughs with you,
Weep, and you weep alone,
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own,
Sing, and the hill will answer,
Sigh, and it is lost on the air,
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from caring voice.

Rejoice, and men will seek you,
Grieve, and they turn and go,
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe,
Be glad, and your friends are many,
Be sad, and you lose them all,
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your hall are crowded,
Fast, and the world goes by,
Succeed and give, and it helps you  live,
But, no man can help you die,
There is room in the halls of pleasure,
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on,
Through the narrow aisles of pain.