My first semester.

My first semester experience? Well, let see, I miss my high school years tbh. In high school, I get the chance to see my bestfriends everyday and there is nothing much to worry back then. And now I missed them terribly. I have been friends with them for more than 5 years and it's pretty difficult for me to social with new people. To feel comfortable with them.

First day of class, I was trying so hard to be friendly but it's so hard for me to do. I'm a private kind of person and for me to trust people is hard. To get know people is hard. To open up with new people is hard. To start over is hard. But, nonetheless my classmate was nice and all but the problem is myself. It's hard for me to believe that I stayed in the city while all of my friends were outside the state.

They said everything is happen for a reason. I'm trying to believe in that. I am trying to make myself happy. To accept the truth that nothing can change the fact that I'm here. Absolute nothing. I know it and I faced it every single day I go to classes. Looking at my classmates joking with one another. I sat there alone playing with my phone and trying so hard to go unnoticed. They trying to talk to me and making plans to go out together. They were so nice but I keep on dismissed and making excuses all the time. I know it might sounds heartless or what but I don't really considered them as a friends. I only considered  my roommates as my only friends.

Talk about my roommates. They were the only thing that I considered a blessing as I'm studying here. They were there for me through my ups and downs. They have been there when I cried suddenly because I missed my bestfriend and they totally understand me. They always have a place in my heart along with my bestfriends. I grow fond of them. Especially, Sofiya and Syuhada. I told them everything and they didn't judge me and accept me for who I am. I really missed them. For the next semester, only Sofiya and I shared the same room. I will miss Syu extremely. They were my angels. They keep me going day by day. Telling me that I can do this and don't give up on my studies and keep me off the pressure.

I was blessed to know such a beautiful soul.

Distance is what I want the most.

AMONG MY FRIENDS, THEY ALWAYS KNOW THAT MY DREAM WOULD BE TO STUDY OUTSIDE MY STATE. THE REASON WHY I HAVE BEEN DYING TO STUDY OUTSIDE IS BECAUSE I LOVE AND ENJOY EXPLORING NEW PLACES. I KNOW SOME PEOPLE SAID IT IS A BLESS FOR ME TO STUDY NEAR MY PARENT. TO BE ABLE TO SEE THEM EACH WEEK WHILE MY OTHER FRIENDS NEED TO BOOK A FLIGHT TICKET JUST TO SEE THEIR FAMILY. WHICH IS NOT OFTEN AND THEY ONLY GET TO SEE THEIR FAMILY WHENEVER THEY HAVE A LONG HOLIDAYS OR SEMESTER BREAK.

THEY ALWAYS SAID TO ME THAT I WAS LUCKY THAT MY UNIVERSITY LOCATED AT OUTSKIRT OF THE CITY AND NEAR FROM MY HOME. BUT FOR ME, I DON'T FEEL EXCITED FOR IT AT ALL. IT'S NOT THAT I WANT TO BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THEM BUT THE THING IS I WANT TO DE INDEPENDENT ON MY OWN. BEING STUCK HERE WHILE OTHERS CAN LEARN SO MANY THINGS FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD REALLY SUCKS.

NOW, I JUST HAD MY FIRST SEMESTER AND NOW I LEFT WITH 4 SEMESTER MORE. I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH OFF MY DIPLOMA AND SETTLE FOR MY DEGREE IN SHAH ALAM,

And so, she became the girl who leaves.

So, after a year of silence here I am. 3:30 in the morning, lying on my bed and writing this shit.
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Here it goes, last December, I had a family gathering. Kind of. It's just my cousins from Brunei((which I never know their existence before)) they came here. On 4th December 2014, they had dinner at my house, There were hell lots of people. They came with 4/5 cars if I'm not mistaken. About 30-40 peoples I guess. On that night, there were few boys around my age. One of them is goddamn hot!! Hehehe. I was attracted to him of course. Without I realized, there were this one lad, I might not noticed him but I know his face. So, our parent asked us all the cousin to take a picture together. After talks and picture, they eventually go their way back to their hotel.

On the next day, we had another gathering but this one organized by them. And so we came, and on that night I was so excited cos I want to take a picture with  my handsome cousin. I told my cousin to ask him if I can take a picture with him. But then, the one I  barely noticed came to me for a picture. It is just so awkward and that moment just passed like that. I get my chance to have a picture with my handsome cousin until I forgot about the first one. I don't really care actually about him at first.
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So after a few days, they went back to Brunei. And I started to follow them on Instagram including the handsome one! But i don"t even know why, I direct message the quiet one not the handsome one. We start talking and even exchange phone number. And starting on that day we texted each other EVERY SINGLE DAY. Without I realized I might slightly have a crush on him. A month or two after that, I found out that he have a girlfriend. I was totally devastated, and it would be a massive lie if I told you that I'm not heartbroken right. I don't know what happen but he started to lost contact with me. He started to reply after a few days and even a week and continued the conversation like it was just yesterday. I was offended of course. I felt like I was being used. and this shit continued until April if I'm not mistaken.

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When he started to ignore me, I know this one guy. He is my friend's bestfriend. It stared in February when my cousin ignored me. We texted each other day and night. He is a sweet guy. And it would be a lie if I'm don't like him. His bestfriend told me that this guy liked me. This thing continued until April. The same period of time my cousin ignore me, he came to my life. But, I feel something was off. I don't quite figured out what but I started to feel something strange. I told him that I will not used my number anymore and I left him just like that. Constantly ignored him. I lied to him. I feel so bad. And that time I reconnected with my cousin again. I continued to text him again. There this one time during my vacation, the guy I left commented my photo and asked for explaination. I IGNORED him. I kept thinking about that. I don't know why I did that. Maybe, I slightly hope that he hate me and forget me. One thing for sure, he came when my cousin left me. When I was lonely and heartbroken. I feel like he was my rebound and my feeling for him wasn't real. I was sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him but it will hurt him much more when I'm with him but I was thinking about someone else right? And so the guilt I felt really make me sad, until today, I still think about that. There this one time in July, he texted me and said he missed me. And I was being a bitch, I reply him with "oh" only. I am truly sorry. After that I kept saying how sorry I was and asked if he could forgive me. Since that day he became so cold. Even when I wished his birthday, I could feel the distance between us. I truly understand why and I deserved that. But the thing is I just cant stop feel guilty. That is what I feel right now.
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Back with my cousin, April 2nd is his birthday. On April we started to contact again. Maybe he was the reason why I left him behind. Cos my cousin came back to me. We texted each other until today and if I'm not mistaken he broke up with his girlfriend last August. I don't know why and I don't asked him about that. We talked about everything and nothing. I know he is the one that always around but he is not the one that will be there. So, this coming December, I will go to Brunei for my other cousin wedding. I don't know what to feel. The guilty I had all this while and a strong feeling that I have for my cousin really fucked me off. Man, I was fucked up. I know I messed thing from the beginning and it seem like nothing I can do to fix it again. "Have you every love somebody but the timing was off" that is what I feel toward the guy I left behind. Maybe I was scared that if I fall for him, he will left me. And so I became the girl who leaves before i'm left.
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“You get bored easily”, that’s what they say. To them, I move on too easily, I put the phone down too fast, ignored the texts, reject the calls and move on to the next guy so simply. To them, I treat guys like they are flavour of the week. To them, I am the girl who leaves. But, I was the girl who stayed.

I was the girl who stayed even when things get rough. I was the girl who stayed even when the texts got lesser, the calls short and rough, and the date nights no longer existent. I was the girl who stayed even I was treated badly. I was the girl who stayed even when she knew she had a choice to walk away. But I became the girl who leaves. I became the girl who could care less the hearts she left behind. I became the one guy’s text constantly, trying to make plans, and, I dismiss them, one by one. I became the girl who doesn’t give a second thought to their feelings, rejecting them and leaving them. I became the girl who leaves. I wasn’t always that kind of girl. I used to be the girl who constantly gives second chances even when they don’t deserve it. I used to be the girl who will take the guy back if he would only just apologize. I used to be the girl who let her guard down so easily that just anyone could come in, say a few sweet words and have my heart handed over to them. I used to be that girl. I used to have my heart on my sleeve all the time, putting in so much time and effort into every relationship or almost-relationship even though it was not reciprocated. I constantly held on to faith and hope, trusting that things will somehow work itself out and I will have my happily ever after.

But things don’t always happen that way.

With every heartbreak, I began to realize what I want, and what I deserve. With every piece of my heart taken and thrown away, I began to build a wall around the pieces left to protect myself. Guard myself with walls so high no one can get around it. Locked my heart and throw the keys far away. I began to trust people less and was so sure that everyone who enters my life will eventually leave, so I became the girl who leaves. And so I became the girl who leaves, before I’m left.

But I hope that someday I’ll meet someone who’ll make me stay, this time, with him.
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DESCRIBE MY SITUATION RIGHT NOW. 

Just a little confession.

Long distance kinda sucks sometime. Well, part of it sweet and another part of it no. Major hell. What are we actually? Friends? Strangers? Or I was just another lucky person to cross your line to give you a lesson to learn for your life? "Stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you" deep down in my heart all I ever wanted is to forget that I know you and hurts me so much to know that I'm missing you everyday. I waited for you everyday. Every single day. I updated everything that happened in my life for you to actually know me more. I hope one fine day when I moved on this phase of life, you will notice whatever happen around you and start to appreciate it more. I have been lonely all this while, but then, you came. I shared you my dreams, my hopes and my life. I will always like you forever and always. Love is just a strong word. In our case, it's quite difficult to tell is it love or just one of the fantasies of mine. I don't know, why don't you tell me. Fatih, know this, I always fancy you in many ways. Your smile is just breathtaking. When you walked around Istanbul and send me pictures of everything you see. That was the happiest moment I had with you. Never thought that you think about me in your daily basis. Well, you really caught me off gaurd that time. I miss you and farewell love. I wish you well.
Love, your little Germany's girl.

Random

Sometimes, I feels like something burning inside of me. Something I don't even know how to explain and my temper keep on rising. I can't sleep at night. Every single time, I tried to sleep I just can't.I can't express my feelings well. I feel so tired holding my anger inside of my burning soul. I need to find peace and choose the right path for my own good. The only thing I can do is write and expressed it with words. I don't even know what it is. Perhaps something like a werewolf when it is a full moon. I'm falling so hard that it is painful. When it hurts I know the feeling are real.

Cut the craps. Okay. Adios amigos.

XOXO, E.

Wounds that never heal.

He came crashing up the stairs right after he received a call from his friend. He took his leather jacket and car keys and drove his car car straight to the nearest hospital. While driving, the words kept on running in his mind and he drove his Lamborghini Veneno as fast as he can. Suddenly, tears come out from his eyes and his heart crash into pieces just like a crystal of mannequin falling every time he remembered what Dean just said. After 15 minutes, he arrived at the hospital and he run as he rushed to get his friend. Daryl and Dean  ran to get him. The word slip through Daryl's mouth made he felt everything was falling at him and he just wished that it is only just a dream. He wished that it is not true at all. "Sorry man, she has died". That words kept on running in his head and his world suddenly stop for a minute. He don't even have a gut to see her dead body. She meant everything to him. She is his world, his daisy, his life and his heart.

                 It has been a week since Ariana died. Now, Nathan all alone in his room. Stuck in his memories land which is full of Ariana. They were a couple for almost 5 years. Ariana died in a terrible acident and now he put a blame on himself. He wished he didn't make the call and cause Ariana to drive in hurry. I'm sorry for the times I left you all alone. I'm sorry for the times I disrespect. I'm sorry for the things that I've done. Sorry for the thing that I did not say. Like how you are the best thing in my world and how I'm so proud to call you my girl. I understand that there are some problems and I am not to blind to know. All the pain you kept inside you, even though you might not show. If I had a chance to apologize for being so wrong. I will be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me, Ariana. Now, Nathan sit at the corner of his room, plucking the Gibson Guitar strings that Ariana gave to him as an anniversary present and produce a sound the described his feeling. He felt lost and all the pain give his heart a wound that never heals. He wished that everyone telling him a lie. Now the old Nathan is dead and gone. Dead and gone.

               Everyone around him kept on saying for him to move on. How in world he can move on when a part of him was Ariana? They said time heals but to him it never does. If heartache  a physical pain he could face it. But it killing him from inside and he can't take it. Every minute pass by and remind him of his mistake that he made. He about to lose his mind. She has been gone for so long. He remembered years ago. Someone told him that he should take caution when it come to love. She was strong and he was not. His illusion, his mistake, his pride, his ego and his selfish way. Cause him to lose everything he got. He tell them he was happy and his heart is broken. All the scars are open. Falling out of love is hard. Falling for betrayal is worse. Broken trust and broken heart. Building faith on love and words, empty promises will wear, he know. And now when it is all done, there is nothing much to say. Let he just cherish and remember every moments that he had with Ariana.

                When our friends talk about her, all it does just tear he down. Cause his heart breaks a little when he heard her name. He was too young and too dumb to realize that he should have bought her flowers and held her hand when he has the chance. He should have give all his hours when he had the chance. Take Ariana to every party because she just love to dance. Do all the thing that he should have done when he was her man. Every time he tried to forget her, he just can't do it. It make him to remember more about her. They are thing that we should remember but we didn't and there are also thing that we should forget but we didn't.
He lost the love that he loved the most. Heart beats fast every time he heard Ariana's name. He have died everyday waiting for her to come back. I will love her for a thousand years and I will love her a thousand more. That is his promise to himself. That is his dream and hope. But everything seems impossible. Impossible.

                  Seems like yesterday when he saw her face. She told him how proud she were but he walked. If only he know that it is the last day he saw her. He would hold her in his arm. He would take the pain away. There's nothing that he wouldn't do just to hear her voices again. Sometimes he called her number but he know she wouldn't be there.He sorry blaming her for everything that he just couldn't do. And he have hurt himself by hurting her. Someday he felt broke inside but he won't admit. Sometime he just wanna hide from this world so wild because he miss her so bad. And it is so hard for him to say goodbye when it come to this. Would someone tell him that he was wrong? Would someone make he understand? There's nothing he wouldn't do to see her again. To have just one more chance. To look into her eyes again. If only he had one more day, he would tell her how much he missed her since she were gone. It's so out of line. To try and turn back time.

                 After 6 month, Ariana's mom came to meet him. Ariana's mom already like his biological mother. She said that she found a letter inside Ariana's wardrobe and the letter are for him. He opened the letter and his heart crash into pieces. He still remembered her handwriting There's no comfort in truth. Pain is all you will get. In the letter, Ariana said if he would live for a hundred years, she just wanna live a hundred minus a year because she just can't live without him. How can I forget you Ariana is you are the best part of me? She told me to move on if she gone. I will try to move on and I will remember you deep inside my heart and I will cherish every moment we had Ariana. Loving you was the most amazing thing that I have done.

                Now, he is back on track. He start to smile more often even though in his eyes we can see there were two pools of lies and covered with the thinnest ice. Sometimes, he had the feelings that no one ever understand him and nothing make sense. He just fake a smile and move on even though every step that he made full of pain. He tried to have a faith in himself that there's someone out there for him. People said that he forget about Ariana too fast. But, no one can feel the pain that he have hold on for so long. He believe that he deserved to be happy as what Ariana want him to. The pain is like a poison to a blossom rose. Falling petals and thorns and he need to endure all the pain all by himself. Don't they ever say he just walked away, he will always remember Ariana at the bottom of his heart. When everyone talked about Ariana, it feels like a wrecking ball and break his heart. Thank you Ariana for letting your guard down and let me see beneath the beautiful creatures named Ariana.

                He feels blessed for knowing such a wonderful girl like her. He lay his love for her and it's all he wanna do. Every time I breathe I feels brand new. You open up my heart. We have been going through ups and downs together. Make through every obstacles together. He will just move on because time will never wait for him.Whether it is the best of times or the worst of time, it is the only time he have and he will not waste it. He will just continue living his life and looking for one who is worth the pain because at one point everyone will feel the pain. It is up to you to find someone who worth the pains.

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XOXO, E.

Solitude - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Laugh, and the world laughs with you,
Weep, and you weep alone,
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own,
Sing, and the hill will answer,
Sigh, and it is lost on the air,
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from caring voice.

Rejoice, and men will seek you,
Grieve, and they turn and go,
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe,
Be glad, and your friends are many,
Be sad, and you lose them all,
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your hall are crowded,
Fast, and the world goes by,
Succeed and give, and it helps you  live,
But, no man can help you die,
There is room in the halls of pleasure,
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on,
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Loving

Loving....

Is not how you forget,
but how you forgive.
Is not how you listen,
but how you understand.
Is not how you see,
but how you felt.
Is not how you let go,
but how you stay strong.
More danger to cry in your heart rather than crying out loud.
Tears can be wipe,
while tears in your heart only give pain to your wound that never heal.
When the time come, where you have to let go,
Not because 'someone' stop loving you,
Unless, we realize they will be happy when we let them go.
If you really love someone.
Don't let it go.
Don't believe that let them go means you really love them.
Fight for your love.
That's true love.

True Love is When..

TRUE LOVE IS WHEN..

When you tears drop,
And you still care about him.
When he didn't care,
And you still wait for him.
When he started to love someone else,
And you still smile and say "I also happy for you".

When your love failed,
Let yourself free.
Let your heart open up it's wings,
And fly high in the world again.
Remember, you might found love and lose it.
But, when the love died.
You don't have to die with it.

The strongest person is not the one's always win.
Unless, they still stay strong when they fall.

                                                                                                                                       Khalil Gibran

I Gotta Talk To You.

I have so much to say to you today.
Will you please listen to what I have to say?
Do you have any room, by any chance?
Do you have room for me to go in?
Just you and me alone.
Just us two, with us two, I want to tell you something.
Let's talk about it right now.
I gotta talk to you.
I'm hustling.
I gotta talk to you.
I see eyes that are bluer than sky.
Will you please come into my arms?
Do you know, by any chance?
No one knows.
Do you know?
Just you and I, just us two.
Just us two, with just us two.
I want to tell you something.
Let's talk about it right now.
I gotta talk to you.
I'm hustling.
I gotta talk to you.
I have.. I have something to tell you.
I have... I have.. My heart.
I got her and I'll give her my heart.
Will there be tears?
I'll give her my heart and I got heart.
I hold her in my embrace.
Today, I have so much to tell you.
Please listen to what I have to say.
I gotta talk to you.
I'm hustling.
I gotta talk to you.
I have something to tell you.
I have... I have my heart.
I gotta talk to you.
I'm hustling.
I gotta talk to you.

Never enough.

A new relationship,
Everything seem perfect,
Complete with a smile and anxious,
As the time pass by,
Trouble get in the way,
An adventure of life just started,
It just a part of it.

Trust,
One word need to be earn,
Take years to earn,
Just a second to lose it,
Things get harder,
Keep trusting each other,
Make it works.

Jealousy,
Needed but not really,
Take two to stay,
Compromise in the midst of hardship,
Right on each other arm.
Give it a try.
Give it a chance.

We can deny,
But, our feelings will show,
Sooner or later,
Wonder why we gave up,
Truth is we know why.
So close to be in love.

XOXO, E.

I'm into you.

She looks so beautiful in the maxi floral dress. Looking just fine with her hair go with the wild wind. With her pretty brown eyes and her sweet innocent face. Be mine, please? Can I talk with her? Would she mind if I talk to her? So many things inside my head. Looking at her make me realize that I finally found my lost soul. I  walk to her and asked her name. Lysha. What a sweet name! We talk and talk for hours. We getting know each other more better. Judging by her personality I can tell that she came from a good family. Nothing like my family at all. I wish I could be in her family when she tell me about her family. I wonder if how she react when I tell her who am I. I can never be good enough for her. She seems to good for me. It's feel like we are made for each other. Like sunshine and rain. Like stars and the moon. Looking at her make me feel that I want to protect her. I can't do that. Be friend with her will make thing be more complicated. I gave her my number. We seems close with each other day to day. Oh god. Can I stop this feeling? I don't want her to get hurt. I want to shelter her. Safe from my world.

When I talk to her to her on the phone, it's feels like I'm already talking to her face to face. This feeling getting stronger. I can't let go this feeling. I finally feel peace and finding her is like I finally found a light of hopes in darkest life. I want to be there for her in anything going on in her life. Tell me what's going on. I know there's something on your mind. Can you just open up? Do you feel out of love? Is somebody trying to hurt you? You know I'd never let that happen. They must be out of their minds. You are the sunshine that make my day. I won't let them take that away. I'll be your hero who's standing strong. Who'll protect you from any fight. And if you battles pilling on, I will take them on with all my might. Cry  your tears on my shoulder. You don't know what future holds. So, I'll be your personal soldier. I'll protect you girl you girl, don't worry. If life is a battlefield, there's so many dangers. Just when you think it's okay, it blows up in your face. And, when this road gets harder. You think your luck's run out. I will find a reserve to take you right back to where your heart deserves. There is no way that I won't put you first. I'll protect my girl with all my might.

Falling in love is never easy because they're so good and I'm so bad. It's just another fight to me. If we don't take it on we won't get far. It seem do far away but so close. It's there for us to take when most. Would waste it, don't waste it. And we try and we fall. And we live another day. And we rise like a phoenix from the flames. And it burns but it turns out golden. We loved to dream aloud with both feet on the ground but where's the sense in that. We'd never get it back. We'd be wasted. They tore it to pieces. We'll build it again. And, we went for the sky. And fell down low and flew too high. But, we still survived cause you and I we turned out golden.

Quotes.

I want to share a few interesting quotes.
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"Often in life we forget the things we should remember and remember the things we should forget" - Unknown

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow" - James Dean

"You are only young once, but you can be immature forever" - Hannah Marks

"In the end everyone will hurts you, it's up to you to decide who is worth the pain"- Unknown

"Not all scars show. Not all wounds are heal. Sometimes, you can't see the pains someone feels" - Unknown

" Everybody want happiness. No one want pains. But, you can't have a rainbow without a little rain" - Unknown

"You can't make everybody like you. You don't even like everybody" - Hanis Zalikha

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not come yet. We have only today. Let us begin" - Mother Teresa

"Kun Fa Ya Kun" - Allah Al-Mighty

"Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only times we have" - Art Buchwald

"It's hard for the one who leaves, but it's harder for the one who's left behind"- Unknown
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Actually, there's a lot more of it. I'm a qoutes collector? I guess. LOL. I've a book just for me to write the quotes I like. What can I say, hmm, a hobby? Perhaps. I love to read it because it motivated me do make a right decisions sometime. Well, almost all the time. I love reading about people's life. Reading it inspired me to do well in study, in life and even in making decisions. Okay, that's enough. I've a final exam within 2 weeks. After that, save my money for my holiday trip with my girls. Can't wait to finish all the papers and enjoy myself with extreme ride. I'm a extreme person. Get to know me and you will know me.I might be quite, boring and a loser. But, don't judge me without knowing my story. Peace out people! Take a chill pill.

XOXO, E.

Confession Of A Lover.

The same sky like always,
The same ordinary days,
The sun shine like always.
Day and night.

Every second,
Every minute,
Every hour,
The time past and can't never return back.

I want to smile,
Pretending it was nothing to me,
I want to keep smiling,
But, everyday I keep on calling your name.

The thought of you leaving me alone is nothing,
I thought I sent you away without any regrets,
Now, I keep on calling your name like a habit,
No, I couldn't sent you away yet.

It seems like I going to die,
What should I do?
Without saying you those words,
I sent you away like this.

I love you,
I'm sorry,
Can you hear my late confession?
I love you.

Secrets.

Got a secret.

Can you keep it?

Swear this one you'll save.

Better lock it in your pocket.

Take this one to the grave.

If I show you then I know you won't tell what I said.

Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Why do you smile like you've been told a secret?

No you're telling lies cause you have sworn to keep it.

But no one keeps a secret.

No one keeps a secret.

Why when we do our darkest deeds do we tell?

They burns in our brains.

Become a living hell.

Because everybody tell.

Everybody tell.

Look into my eyes.

Now you getting sleepy.

Are you hypnotized by a secret that you're keeping?

I know what you're keeping.

I know what you're keeping.

You swore you'd never tell.

You swore you'd never tell.

Got a secret.

Can you keep it?

Swear this one you'll save.

Better lock it in your pocket.

Take this one to the grave.

If I show you then I know you won't tell what I said.

Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Yes, two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Yes, two can keep a secret if one of us is dead.

-P.L.L-

Love Letter.

Dear Adrianna,

               By this time I maybe in my flight to further my study abroad. By this time, I bet you just chilling out at Venice Cafe as usual. In this so-not-romantic letter, I just want to say thank you for making me feel love by you. Thank for letting me see beneath your beautiful. When I first time saw you, I smile like a mother would. I saw you laughing so loud with your friend when you guys played badminton. I still remember the moment you fall. At first, I just stand there, shock, but suddenly I heard you laughed so hard. You still smile happily. From that moment, I knew I already fall for you. After that, I saw you chill alone at Venice Cafe. So, I asked the waiter about you. They said you're chilling out over there almost everyday. Didn't you notice me? I stalked you everyday, you know. I need to gather all my guts to talk to you. Don't blame me for being to slow okay. You're just one of a kind, for me, a hard to catch one. You should feel special. You know that I'm a type of person that is not giving a compliment to easy right.

              Do you still remember my first words? Don't laugh okay. I know I was miserable that day! " Miss, you have any tissue?" Oh god! At that moment, that was the worst pick up line ever! Every time I remember your first expression, I smile like a kid get a candy! How happy I am at that moment!I also remember your first words toward me. "Are you flirting with me right now? That's the worst pick up line ever. You have a tissue at your own table, I can see that clearly sir." I smiled awkwardly. But, after that you being cool with me. Thanks for giving me a chance to know you more. Did you know every time I saw you, I feel so alive. Your smile bring me back to this world. I used to get hurt by someone. My own girl betrayed me and my best friend also. The minute I saw you, I knew that you were the one for me. You bring back my smile on my pretty handsome. Don't puke! Hehe. You were the reason I smile on Monday morning. Everybody hate Monday. You were the one and only girl I've ever wanted to be with. You are so beautiful yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever. I love the way you laugh. I love the way you smile. I love the way you make me feel every single time. You are the one who takes away the blues. That is one of many reason I'm in love with you.

          Please, take a good care of yourself while I'm gone. Don't skip your lunch. Don't ever forget where you put your house key. You always forget. Don't just stay at your house too much. You need to get out and have a social life like you used to. Don't miss me too much. You know I'm so far away from you, just say my name and for sure I'll call you after that. Have fun while I'm gone. Do not flirting with other guys. I have my eye on  you girl. You still my girl. Skype with me everyday. Even though, we're from different time zone, I'll find time for you. Don't forget to visit your parent. Send my regard to them. I'm gonna miss them and your sister too. Don't forget to call and text me everyday. If you want to tell me about your life, just give me a call. Please be patience for a few years. I know it's hard for us but promise to stay with me.  No matter how far I go, I will keep loving you because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I really love you. I love you till forever and always will.

        Last but not least, thanks for letting your guard down and let me see your world. I know you've carried on so long and you've built your wall so high. Loving you was the best thing I ever did in my life. Your beauty is nothing compared to your loving heart and your kind demeanor. Like a flowers that spread fragrance, your love brings romance in my ordinary life .Thank you for let me see beneath your beautiful. Thank you for let me see beneath your perfect. I'm not perfect but you completed me. Thank you my love.

                     " Some relationship are worth fighting for, some are worth a try.

                                 Some makes you feel so blue, while others make you fly.
                               
                                  I have met so many people, but you are the best among the few.

                                  You are cute, sweet and loving which is why I LOVE YOU."


                                                                                                                       Your love of your life,
                                                                                                                                              Edika.
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That's such a sweet letter. Can someone give it to me? Lol. Keep dreaming E.

xoxo, E.
         

Can't Never Be Mine.

I'm just a girl in this world so wild. Trying to be positive in everything. Trying to change into a better person. Having a crush with someone that I know can't never be mine. It's normal for a teenage like me, right? I bet every girl in my age have the same problem as mine. But, in my case is pretty much like a typical novel, I guess. I came from a happy and low profile family. We're not rich at all but also not poor. I like someone who's good looking, came from a rich family and he's such a great guy. He live a thousand miles away from me. I knew him through social network. Stalking him every single day. Looking at his status that show how manner he is in talking. Loving his relationship with his brother. He is also the same age as me.

He never know who I am. Trying to forget him is like trying so hard to remember someone you never knew. Pretty hard, isn't it? The pains I hold. Sometimes, it feels like I'm a stupid girl. I know we will never meet. He will never know me. But, still. I like him. What should I do? Ya Allah. Help me. If he never meant to be with me let my feeling gone. It's hurting me from inside my head.

"If pain must come, let it come quickly. Because I have life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him." - Paulo Coelho

xoxo, E.

We Can't Never Please Society.

They told us be yourself, yet they still judge us. When we try to be someone else, they called us fake. The truth is we can never please the society. Please, take note. You're not live to please  them. You can't never satisfied everyone needs. Just be who you are. But, don't judge people when you can't accept a judgement from them.

For example : Skinny = Anorexic, Thick = Obese, Virgin = Too good, Non-virgin = Slut, Friendly = Fake, Quiet = Rude.

YOU CAN'T NEVER PLEASE SOCIETY.


We're blaming society, yet we are society. So, to make it a better place we must change ourselves first. Please don't let society label you.

xoxo, E.

How could you?

How could you do that to your own best friends? All of this time they always be there for you when you feels so stressed with your family condition. When your father have an affair behind your mother back, we were there for you. To make sure that you stay your head up and acts like it is nothing for you and make sure you still okay. Now, you talking behind our back at your Twitter account and the next day you still have a confidence to come to meet us? Did you know that you look like a social-climbing person? Talk about the high social ranking with us and acts like you knows everything about them. Excuse me, did you know that they even hate you. Oh god, wake up girl! Almost everyone in our batch hate you. Do you think behind those pretty innocent face you can hide your dark side? Everybody know that you are a bad-mouth person. Please, know your position. Open you eyes widely and you will see that almost everyone don't want to be friend with a girl like you.

When a some boys like you, you said eww? Hey, you even flirting with them. You said it's kind of awkward if you not reply they text. You gives them hope. You make them believes that they still have a chance. Stop doing that. You judge people and you can't accept when people judge you. If you can't accept a judgement, don't you dare to start judging people. You always worried about your face. It's okay but when you doing the same thing all over again it's annoying okay? When your ex's move on with someone else, you said you didn't care, but actually you did. What the hell wrong with you? You already told us you move on and didn't care if he already have a girlfriend or not. You hate almost all pretty girls in our batch and you will spot they dark side and tells everybody about it. You feel insecure when all of the attentions is not you anymore don't you? Social-climbing is the last thing on my list. It's looked like you're so desperate for a position in society. Get a life! Judging a person does not defines who they are but it defines who you are. Oh, by the way, didn't you notice that I don't talk with you too much like before. And lately I just hopes there just four of us and it is without you. I'm not a hypocrites. If I started to hate someone I will never talk to them ever again. Please, don't make me hate you. Take note please.

XOXO, E.

Unconditional love.

There is one young man, he's in love with his brother fiance. Truly, madly and deeply in love. After a few month later, his brother died in a car accident. His mom force him to take over his brother place because she knew all of this while that he is in love with his brother fiance since she accidentally read his diary when she cleaned his bedroom. At first he refuses to engage with her because he knows that he will always be a shadows of his brother and also he knows that she will never love him. But then, they agreed. It is all because of his mom.

For his mom sake he rather let his heart hurt. They engaged for a year. He wait patiently until she accept him but she still the same. Crying over her dead fiance. She treat him as cold as winter wind. His unconditional love for her make him blind that he will never be her love of her life. He doesn't even know why he acts like don't care what she did to him. Everything she did to hurt him seems useless. Because he love her, he doesn't care about his heart at all.

 After a year, they finally married. She still the same. They never slept together in a bed. He will sleep on the floor. She never cooked for him. He always tell his best friend that he can't do it any longer. His heart hurts so much. She only talk to him when she need something. Yet, she still want to divorce with him. She know that she will never love him, rather than hurting his heart non-stop she will back off. He kneel down on his knees begging for her to take back what she have said. She want to go out of the house. He just said she can stay in the house and just let he go out of his own house.

Everyday he will sleep in the car to watch over her so that he knows that his wife safe being alone in the house. One day, on his way back home he saw his wife out from a car with another man. His best friend. He stops his car and just look at them with an empty mind. After all of this time he told his best friend about his feeling. How could he do this to him. Everything makes sense to him now. No wonder his best friend encouraged him to divorce just because he said he couldn't see he gets hurt. No wonder his wife want a divorce also.

His heart falls into pieces. Feels betrayed. He swear that he will never looked back. His pain is his wife happiness. He confront his wife and they finally divorce. He just hopes that his wife will be find her happiness that she never found before. Now, he will leave his past behind and never look back at his past. With a heart fulls of bloody scars, he accept the fact that you can't force someone to love you even though you love them unconditionally. Now, he just need to moves on with his life and maybe he will find someone that cure his heart and love him unconditionally. You can't have everything you want. You just need to move on.


xoxo, E.